The day has just begun and I'm already feeling like shit. I took a shot to help me fall asleep after my miserable night, but I can't even blame my night for my too sudden despondency. It hit me like a slap in the face. I feel like I'm drowning in the core of the Arctic Ocean. Polar Night. And it's nothing but hopeless. And I feel nothing but cold.
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I know what it is, and I know why. But I don't know why it bothers me so much. I feel sick and rebellious. Too dim to do shit about it though.
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Actually I can't, there's nothing I can do about it, which is exactly why I feel this bad. I have no control, rethinking all my thoroughly concealed denials, just to see if there was an escape route, maybe just a little one that slipped through the cracks along the way?
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But there isn't. Fuck this. I'm too shut off these days, I can't even talk about what got me on here at one-fucking-a.m to vent. All I have these days is defense mechanism upon progressive defense mechanism escalating to nowhere, reaching nothing. What gives.
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So what a big waste of time, funny how things just disappear, or do they really? Does any of it really just go away? It's all fucking resiliency. I'm too resilient.
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Basically I got on here to write about how prominent my feeling of insecurity was, short-lived, yet prominent none-the-less. I'm getting too good at it. In some sort of sick way I'm actually kinda impressed with my keen ability to shut it all out. Blink twice and it all disappears. However I don't think it's healthy.
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Anyways I also wanted to add a whole paragraph on how I havent been feeling like I'm good enough, and how theres no point, I felt like a failure, which is very hard not to think about plus four times harder to block off. Just writing it feels like a knot in my throat, a shock to my heart, and a knee to my gut.
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And it's a really stupid reason too, the one that got me on this pessimistic track of thoughts. But terribly sad none-the-less. I'll probably add more later, till now I'll blame my misery on the shitty weather, the even shittier hour of day and maybe even this really shitty desk light. yeah I know.....excuses.....excuses... ='(
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And it's a really stupid reason too, the one that got me on this pessimistic track of thoughts. But terribly sad none-the-less. I'll probably add more later, till now I'll blame my misery on the shitty weather, the even shittier hour of day and maybe even this really shitty desk light. yeah I know.....excuses.....excuses... ='(
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