I've aquired a bad habit. And don't think I will ever change or learn from it. I don't think I can anymore. It's more permanent this time. I've spoke of letting before, but didn't think it would get this bad. I always do what I believe is best for me, why then, everytime I do this I feel emaciated and without company. It's supposed to have postive consequences that effect me in positive ways. The habit is letting go.
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I want everything, I want to leave people and then I want them to want me, come back to me. This has happened multiple times, but it gets me absolutely nowhere.
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And he was right, I can't maintain or handle a real relationship, so then, what's the point. Why do I play so many games. And I am ridiculous, I truely am a mess.
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It's like there is no point, I end up alone again, nothing left, nothing at all, anticipating letting go of someone else, that's all I do, why is it all I'm good at these days?
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"And since when did I need someone there for me, exactly where the fuck did my independence go" That's exactly what I'm thinking everytime I hurt someone.
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But what the hell was so great about letting go anyway, challenging myself, seeing if I can, and since when the fuck did I pride myself in my independence and abilty to let go.
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Because all it seems like to me now, is that, I'm just quitting. I used to love denial, but really now? Screw denial. And will I always do this?
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Quit everyone, let go, maybe they just arent worth it, maybe my expectations are too high, no..there's just something wrong with me.
1 comment:
There isn't anything wrong with you. For certain people in this world, those that think outside the box and see with their hearts, life is a perilous journey. The true test comes when life knocks you down because at that moment you are given the chance to better yourself and get back onto your feet.
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